We are going through a monumentally strange time in our lives right now. This is maybe the only thing that is utterly true at all times because everything else is shifting. A global pandemic has put it’s thumb on daily life and changed things we have taken for granted – face-to-face time with friends, family and acquaintances, work, school and now school sports. It’s all changing, stopping, or both, and it is hard. Potentially losing a year of team sports is going to be a challenge that we never planned to face.
While this is a difficult challenge, I have noticed that parents are expressing their disappointment as vehemently as the students and I am somewhat concerned about this phenomenon. Parents are put in a wonderfully privileged position of teaching their children to manage and express emotions. All this change is so different from the types of change we have navigated before, for both adults and kids, and right now we are given a unique opportunity to teach our children resilience by teaching them how to handle disappointment and frustration. The trouble is we have to teach them this while we navigate these same emotions.
It would be a good time to stop for a moment and take a breath. Teaching someone how to deal with something we have never experienced (let alone heard of people experiencing) is just about an impossible task. So here are some tips to help you rise to the occasion, managing your own emotional reactions while walking with your child through theirs.
- Process your junk first. When you are feeling stressed or frustrated about how the pandemic is affecting you and your family, talk to another adult about it first. Write about it in a journal. Think about how your words will impact your child’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors before you speak with them.
- Seek your own therapy. If you have tried talking to another adult and it isn’t helping, try a professional. Learn some tips and tricks, get validated, get encouraged, find hope. Then you can focus on teaching your child. Remember, your feelings are not theirs – don’t give them to your child. Children can be mirrors of their parents. The emotions you are throwing out will likely be reflected in your kids, so use discretion. Let them identify their own emotions. You can empathize with them and keep your feelings under control at the same time.
- Remember that every expression of discomfort, sadness or anxiety is NOT evidence of mental illness. If it is a pattern, or if someone tells you there is a problem, that is the time to seek out professional help.
It is also important to recognize that social-emotional connection is important for kids and teenagers and they are being challenged by not having the same opportunities as previous years (so are adults, by the way). This may have an impact on their moods and potentially their mental health. If you are concerned about your child’s mental health, talk to them. Offer an open, empathetic place for them to talk to you and share their concerns. If you believe they are, or they say they are struggling emotionally, please take them to see a therapist. Some of the things that may be signs your child needs to process their emotions with a professional include saying they want to see a therapist, feeling sad or glum more often than not, crying spells, sleeping much more or less than usual, inability to stop worrying about things out of their control, giving their things away, talking about suicide, saying goodbye to friends and family. Or if you just get a feeling that your child should see someone, please seek help. Best case scenario is that your child gets the help they need and worst is they have an assessment that sets your mind at ease.
As a child and family psychotherapist, I know that kids are some of the most resilient people I have the privilege to know. They deal with the exact same difficulties as adults without the benefit of experience and self-regulation. Kids learn to navigate strong emotions over time and are able to come out the other side more prepared for the adult world they are rapidly growing toward. Parents understandably often want to protect children from any and all negative happenings because we have felt such deep emotions as loss, grief, anger, and sadness, often many times over, and we would prefer our children not have to feel these emotions. But again, children are resilient; they will be okay.
Missing a year of sports is going to be hard for everyone involved. I hold hope that it is temporary. Athletes are missing doing something that likely brings them great joy. Parents are likely missing watching the joy in their children and are probably missing out on some social connections with other parents at games and practices too. I encourage you to acknowledge that this is not just a loss for the students and please pay attention to how you are managing your own feelings of loss and disappointment before you interact with your child. Then you will be better prepared to help your child navigate through their own disappointment and to come out on the other side of this more resilient. What an opportunity to grow as a person and a parent. You’ve got this.