We have all been there, on both sides of the conversation – the ongoing negotiation between parents and children, when parents are asking children to do something they may not want to do. As parents, we can be exasperated from the arguments, power struggles, and the constant reminders to do something. The voice, oh so familiar, broadcasts the same tired message. It reverberates through our headspace like an ancient echo: “How many times do I have to ask or tell them to listen?”
Children, at times in innocent ignorance and at other times in stubborn defiance, put forth their question in return: “Why do I have to?” Perhaps, even now as a parent, you can remember being the smaller person in this equation? Maybe, inside the database of your memories are the conversations and arguments when you as a child wanted to know “why?”
It is at this moment that we as parents or teachers are often tempted to use a very specific word with a very vague definition. Tired, unsure of how to proceed, we reach into our pockets for that familiar phrase. Even now it might be circling through your thoughts. In hopes of obtaining compliance and ending the argument we assert our authority and say: “Because I said so.”
As a parent or teacher, you may recall moments you have said these words. I certainly do. It is a statement that is used often in our culture in conversation, media, and across generations. I have sat with parents and heard them use this phrase as the ultimate reason their children should comply with the requests being made. As a child, you likely remember moments that phrase was given to you with the same expectation, and with it, the same feeling of dissatisfaction our children feel when we say it to them. As an adult, I now can try to understand the feelings I once had as a little person when I heard the simple reply “because”, when I wanted or needed an answer from the big people around me. Above all, it felt unfair. I almost always felt like there were other explanations, options, or choices than just “because.” This feeling, when experienced repeatedly, can lead to some rather negative beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.
For you see, if a big person could take time to explain things in a way that I as a little person could understand or accept; if those big people could help me understand my choices and the eventual outcomes of those choices, and they didn’t do any of that, well, what exactly does that say about me as a little person? Often, the message, “I am not worth it”, can be subtly instilled in children when they think big people don’t give their time and effort in order to help.
Please understand, just because a child has heard their parent or teacher say, “because I said so,” does not mean they are destined to believe they have no value or worth. I, and every adult on the planet, have made this statement. Knowing, though, that a repetitive pattern of this response over time can lead a child towards adopting this negative cognition, perhaps we can create other opportunities for them to build more positive beliefs about themselves. If, as a child, I remember my parents or the big people around me taking the time and effort to explain things diversely and in a language I could understand; if they, through their fatigue, exhaustion, frustration, and even anger find a way to patiently explain to me the importance, available choices, and consequences of the request being made, well then, what would that say about me as a little person? I imagine it would often lead to me feeling that “I am worthy of their efforts.” I imagine as I grew older it would instill in me the courage and confidence that problems can be solved, questions can be answered, and I can take pride in doing things for reasons other than just “because”.
There is, of course, another very important reason to put in the time and extreme effort it takes to teach our children to understand “why” we do what we do. If, while growing through my childhood and adolescence, I am constantly given the narrative of complying simply because someone who is bigger, has more authority, power, or influence over me says so, that may leave me unprepared for difficult situations. When our children are under the influence of what we call “peer pressure” they often must make difficult choices. Peers, older children, and even adults may ask or tell children to do things we wouldn’t want them to do. They too, may ask, tell, bribe, threaten, or plead with our children to get them to engage in negative, deviant, dangerous, or illegal activity; our children will naturally wonder “why” they should do these things. If they then hear back the familiar answer “because I said so”, and if that answer has always come with the expectation of compliance, our children may be overwhelmed and make dangerous choices. They may be told to engage in behaviors like skipping classes, using drugs or alcohol, bullying or harming others, sexual activity, committing crimes like theft or vandalism, or any other activities that might be harmful to them. If our kids don’t have a good reason for “why” they should, or, especially in some cases, should not do certain things, they may rely on what they have been taught to do, which is to simply comply.
Parenting is hard. If you are hoping for a “but” to that statement, that will be a long wait for a train that isn’t coming. Parenting is hard. Period. It takes courage, commitment, faith, and every drop of strength and patience you can give. It takes true grit to look into the eyes of your child forty-five minutes into their tantrum and say, “Don’t worry, we will figure this out. Let me try to explain it again”. That. Is. Hard. No two ways around it; and while I can’t offer an exception to this truth, I can offer this: we are here to help. We can hold a time and place for you to bring these conversations in, give you different maps or tools you might not have ever had access to, and help you navigate your way to finding out “why” we do things the way we do in our families, schools, jobs, and communities. When we take that time and effort to explain the “why”, when we show we have what it takes to find solutions, when we present a version of ourselves that says, “no matter what, we can figure this out”, our children learn to do the same. With a little support, you might learn the value of that question “why”; if you’d like, we would love to help you know “how” to do that.