When we’re toddlers, we’re taught whether we are a “boy,” or a “girl.” We learn to use “he/him/his” with boys, and “she/her/hers” with girls. The gender labels, and resulting pronouns help us to figure out who we are. We hear things about girls and how they act, things about boys and how they act, and we are shaped into what society deems we should be.
Throughout history, society has banned and generally not tolerated someone “changing” their gender. However, this is something that science supports as a natural act. It is becoming a more known occurrence due to the information being readily available, not because the rate of incidence is higher.
So, what happens when someone who was raised as one gender discovers his/her/their gender is something entirely different? This can generally be due to one of 3 situations:
- Transgender – “denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex”
- Intersex – “a person who is born with a reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit the typical definitions of female or male”
- Gender nonbinary – “a person whose gender is not male or female”
- Gender non-conforming – “behavior or gender expression by an individual that does not match masculine or feminine gender norms”
- Gender fluid – “relating to, or being a person whose gender identity is not fixed”
When a person designates another gender to themselves, they will often choose a new name to represent the appropriate identity, and this new identity comes with pronouns. For transgender and intersex, it is often a change to he/his/him or she/her/hers. With #3, there can be a wide variety of designations, including using a singular they/them.
Why is it important to use the identified pronouns? Because it is part of everyone’s identity. We were all raised with pronouns telling us about ourselves while telling others around us about who we are. When a person is gender designated incorrectly, it causes confusion, stress, and anxiety. At the time a person can freely identify themselves, taking control of who they are and how they want to be displayed to others, it is important to their growth and personal identity to respect their right to their own self. When we misgender, mislabel, or use a deadname, we steal that person’s identity, their very right to their own identity, and this does not belong to us. It can never belong to someone else.
It’s never wrong to ask a person what their pronouns are. And, mistakes can happen especially if you’ve known someone as their wrong gender for a long time. Just remember to be respectful, apologize when mistakes happen, and live your truth.
Terms:
LGBTQIA+
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning (or Queer), Intersex, Asexual (or A-romantic), and all other non-conformative identities.
Deadname or Dead Name
A name a person had prior to “coming out,” or designating their new identity. Also known as Birth Name.
Resources Available:
Pride www.wichitapride.org
Equality Kansas www.eqks.org
The Center of Wichita/Get Connected www.thecenterofwichita.org
LGBTQIA+ therapy – Misty Thompson LCMFT, DBT-C misty@rlcwichita.com , http://www.betterhelp.com/misty-thompson/