We all know that feeling: the heavy, gut wrenching, all-consuming feeling that doesn’t seem to go away and appears even in the most unexpected moments. Jealousy hijacks our bodies, our minds and our hearts, and often leaves the people involved with overwhelming feelings of fear, distrust, insecurity, and even despair. As a couples therapist, I’ve seen how jealousy can corrupt the positive connection between partners. Jealousy is a natural feeling when you love someone, but can have adverse effects on relationships. When it is present, it is important to gain awareness of where it is coming from and what to do with it.
There are helpful initial steps in dealing with your feelings of jealousy. It is good to acknowledge that jealous feelings can be useful when addressed in a grounded, respectful and appropriate manner. It may be a signal that there is an issue or boundary to be addressed in your relationship. If this is the case, the feelings may be addressed by simply confronting those issues in a straightforward way, and engaging in responsible, reciprocal communication. Jealousy, for you, may also represent that you care and love your partner deeply and do not want to be betrayed or lose them to another person. It is also common to experience a need to be “the one and only” and to struggle with the fact that our partners are ultimately separate people with their own individual minds, desires and emotional investments outside of us (Schnarch 1991).
There are times when jealousy continues to be a problem despite our attempts to address it constructively. Jealousy may drive our thinking and behavior and feel as if it forces us to do things we would not normally do in our relationships. This can cause more damage, harm, and negative connection in the end which typically worsens the jealous feelings.
Understanding jealousy’s primal origins may help us understand how our brains and bodies are wired for jealousy. At its root, jealousy was meant to help in the protection of one’s survival and the continuation of one’s offspring. We are hardwired to scan for anything that could be a potential threat to losing our partner or our chance to procreate (Leahy 2018)[1]; however, as humans we have evolved to the point where this wiring no longer fits modern relationships.
There are a lot of complex things about being human. Things that may appear or feel like a threat do not inherently mean that they are. It is important to note that although these various components to jealousy may resonate with your experience, they do not entitle you to possess your partner, diminish your partner, or engage in domestic violence.
If you are a man or woman that struggles with feelings of jealousy in your relationship, I encourage you to begin with this question: “What is the worst part of this experience?” (Wolinsky 2000) [3]. Continue to ask yourself this question until you land at the core of the feeling: “I am unlovable,” “I am not good enough,” or “I am worthless.” There are a number of negative core beliefs that could be at play deep down for you, and which may be driving your experience of jealousy. Identifying and addressing these core beliefs about yourself and others is a good starting place in dealing with and overcoming feelings of jealousy. Again, you are not wrong for having these feelings and you may have valid reasons for having them. Feelings of jealousy are hardwired into our nervous system and the solution isn’t to stop the feeling, It’s to open to it and fully experience the jealousy without letting it hijack you so you are able to address it in a respectful manner.
The goal is to have a clearer understanding of yourself and to soothe yourself down in the midst of strong emotions. Come at your jealousy from a place of curiosity, worth and bravery and you will be able to handle these difficult experiences from the best in you (Schnarch 2009)[4].
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[1] Leahy, R. L. (2018). Jealousy Cure: Learn to Trust, Overcome Possessiveness, and Save Your Relationship. New Harbinger Publications.
[2] Schnarch, D. M. (1991). Constructing the sexual crucible: an integration of sexual and marital therapy. New York: Norton.
[3] Wolinsky, S. (2000). The beginners guide to quantum psychology. Capitola, CA: Quantum Institute.
[4] Schnarch, D. M. (2009). Intimacy & desire: awaken the passion in your relationship. New York, NY: Beaufort Books.